Traveling is NOT fun

To anyone who thinks traveling is all fun and games: it's not.

Traveling can literally be a 9-5 job, where you have deadlines to meet and lots of shit to get taken cared of. Unless you’re one of those people who like all-inclusive 4 day 3 night getaway packages to Aruba where you do nothing but tan on the beach next to all the other fat topless Europeans, you should devote a bit of sweat, blood, and tears to crafting a well-planned independent schedule. The best travel is one that consists of very little sleep and a good amount of physical pain.

You like this kinda shit? Well work for it. We endured this bitch of a hike for two hours while being shat on constantly by the sun.

The enviable vacation pictures you see of sandy beaches, sunsets, stunning vistas from mountaintops, delicious local cuisine, and famous cultural landmarks consist of only 10% of actual travel. The other 90% involve sleepless nights on crowded buses with people packed in like sardines, sweating between the devil’s ass cheeks in 110 degree weather on your 4 hour trek up some mountain, downing Pepto Bismal at 2am in the midst of a diarrhea storm, shoving hordes of Chinese tourists aside to get a people-less picture of that gorgeous temple at the asscrack of dawn, getting lost then asking for directions then getting lost again, waiting in never ending lines to get anything from visas to train tickets to reservations to that popular restaurant, the list goes on.

Did you like my pics of the Banaue rice terraces? When I look back at these photos, it reminds me not of the stunning landscape, but rather the epically shitty journey to the top. The night of travel, we got to the bus station too damn late and were the last ones to get tickets. They ensured us “seats,” which turned out to be fucking LAWN CHAIRS placed in the middle of the tiny isle in a packed overnight 10-hour bus ride. We stopped 4 times for bathroom breaks, of which I had to move aside so everyone in the back and climb over my body to get out of the bus, leaving shoeprints all over my face in the process. I didn’t sleep a wink, not to mention the AC was on full blast and gave me frostbite and pneumonia. We arrived at 5am in the morning and immediately embarked on a 5 hour back breaking trek up hundreds of steep stone steps to get up to the all-important viewpoint. As soon as we got back from the hike, you guessed it, another equally enjoyable overnight bus to our next destination. *SARCASM*

Least flattering picture of me ever taken. Yes that is a plastic fucking lawn chair I am sitting on. Sleep? Forget about it.

Hiking is fun! NOT. This is what happens when you're enough of a dumbass to wear FLIP FLOPS to a trek. Oh, and the sky decided to piss on me that day too, turning the entire dirt hill into quicksand.

Our guide said, No worries, I know a river coming up where you can wash your feet and shoes. This was the "river."

Yes, I hiked barefoot through rocky disgusting AIDS infested trails for about 2 hours. I now have every disease known to mankind.

I came, I saw, I fell in the mud, I conquered.

How about my beautiful Angkor Wat at sunrise pictures? That’s of the good side of the lake. Here’s the side where I was standing.

Fucking mobbed by asian tourists.

You like having cute outfits to take pictures in, do you? Have fun lugging all your shit around with you for 3 weeks. Or are you a conservative traveler? Well, enjoy the smell of your sweatshirt after wearing it 6 days in a row in tropical humidity. Packing is a lose-lose situation.

I like how I decided to throw my tiny contact lens case into an ocean full of clothes. Now I am blind, wearing sunglasses indoors, and trying to find my eye vision. Brilliant.

This laptop is both awesome and the fucking bane of my existence. It weighs almost 15 pounds and is unbearable to travel with, yet I've still managed to lug it everywhere with me. Pro.

Japan was probably my single most fantastic travel experience. However, I slept no more than 4 hours a night, spent almost 4-5 whole days out of the 3 weeks basically sitting on a train in transit twiddling my thumbs, labored hours over planning every minute of the day down to the very last detail, etc. By the end of the trip, I don`t think I`ve ever been more sore or exhausted in my entire life – my body was BEAT. On the flip side, I made the most of my time and got to travel all over the country!

Traveling all of Japan in 2.5 weeks. Made possible by the shinkansen.

#1 traveling-like-a-pro tip: Sleep anywhere, anytime you can.

When you've had the misfortune of landing in a shitty airport like Kuala Lumpur that's 2 hours from civilization and you've got another plane to catch at 4 in the morning, pick your favorite potted plant and set up camp.

Person next to you missed their flight? SWEET.

On a boat? Doesn't matter. Had sleep.

The old tray table trick. Works flawlessly.

If you can find seats in the waiting area without arm separators, you've struck gold. Lay the fuck down and go to sleep.

Shitty weather? Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

Our guide comes prepared, rain or shine.

Rain AND wind? Fuck you!

If your hotel has AC, consider yourself one lucky motherfucker. Often, it can get too cold but the hotel won’t provide blankets because of the tropical weather. If this happens, assume the following positions.

Look at that. Perfect posture.

The Egyptian. Good for maximum blanket coverage.

Oh you like 5 star hotels do you? Well fuck you, not everyone is loaded. My lodging philosophy is to find the rattiest shittiest hostel and stick with that for a week, then save up to splurge on something nice. Of course, only take pics of the nice place and brag to all your friends afterwards.

This is often the reality (negative stars, enjoy the free herpes!)

This is what I'd post on my blog (5 star Ana Mandara resort in Hue, our "room" was a two story apartment)

Murphy`s Law holds true: anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong. Missed flights, lost baggage, hidden fees, scams, medical emergencies, getting in trouble with the local police, pick pocketing, losing your shit, getting ripped off, broken electronics, and so on are all fair game when it comes to traveling. The worst thing that can possibly happen is dying or losing your passport (dying`s probably the lesser evil). SO, if neither has happened, consider it a lesson learned and move on!

You've managed to lose this have you? Simply proceed to the nearest bridge and jump off of it. Quick painless death is infinitely better than the bureaucratic nightmare you'll have to deal with while in a foreign country with no passport or way home.

Foreign money. Looks cool at first, becomes annoying as shit later on. In my humble opinion, the US currency is the most sensible and should be the goddamn world standard. It’s not too big, not too small, fits into any wallet, all the same color, doesn’t have any weird plastic or glitter or gaudy gold trimmings, has a DIFFERENT person on each bill, and the numbers are small enough to be easily distinguishable and countable. The fucking Vietnamese DONG, on the other hand, has like a zillion 0’s, comes in all colors of the goddamn rainbow, and very easy to confuse. My biggest mistake? Confusing the 20000 with the 500000 ($1 vs $25). You try going through these quickly when your motorbike driver is hurrying you to get the fuck off his bike. Let’s just say someone got PAID that day.

Who designed these? A preschooler with down syndrome?

In summary: traveling be stressful as FOCK. 

(But also supremely rewarding and worth every headache)