I can't wait to see my friends and family but the most important thing is going to HONEY PIG. How I've dreamed about you every night. Delicious tender spicy pig and brisket. Kimchi juices cascading down a sizzling iron grill covered in butter. I will fucking destroy you, you delectable son of a bitch.
Don't get me wrong. Vietnam is fantabulous and I could really see myself living in Saigon for an extended period of time. But there are just so many things about America that just make sense. Sometimes I just wish Vietnam could be more like America in many respects (many of which we will not go into for fear of the government), including:
1) Free water everywhere. Why do I have to pay to hydrate myself? I don't want hot tea with my piping hot noodles either. Nobody drinks H2O here!
2) Clean public restrooms. No, shut the fuck up. Do not complain to me about nasty gas station restrooms in the South crawling with herpes and drunken mule ass peelings. If you really wanna experience a donkey's asshole of a restroom, come to Asia where you have to squat to pee in a giant feast of turds. Be careful not to let that monstrous spider in the corner crawl up your flip flaps. Oh you accidentally went #2 and exploded into a giant asspile? Well fuck you, there's no toilet paper. You forgot to pay for it on the way in? That's your problem. Hope that's not your favorite shirt.
3) Gawdy decorations. Everywhere. On everyone. It will make you feel insecure and have you questioning your own sexuality.
4) Some days it can get hotter than a devil's ass crack in Saigon. I have AC but I feel so guilty for using it since everyone uses fans.
5) Being the nomadic heffer that I am, I've stayed in some pretty fucking nice hotels. 5-star even. Customer service? Doesn't exist. Not even in these places. Some companies and institutions in the US will bend over backwards to get you what you need seeing as customer service is usually one of their top priorities. If you wanna get shit done here, you gotta slip some dolla dolla bills under the table to get you ahead of the line. Nothing here is for free, to say the least.
Perfect story: I recently went to a nice restaurant recommended by the Lonely Planet and Trip Advisor in Da Lat about a week ago. I ordered 6 pcs buffalo chicken wings (exact wording) and asked for it to be extra spicy. I kid you not, they bought out ONE FUCKING CHICKEN WING. No sauce. No ketchup. Just a shitty little wing sitting on the porcelain. I looked at the waiter who was obviously missing a few chromosomes. "I ordered 6 pieces," I said incredulously. This cross eyed bitch had the nerve to reply, "Yes, OK, it's only one though but we can cut it up into 6 pieces for you." WTF!?!? Pretty fucking retarded right? Mind you, this meal of ONE was 5 bucks (pretty expensive for Vietnam) so the 6 pieces I got woulda been $30!? He refused to let me leave since I had already "bought and ordered it" and that I "misunderstood the menu." Ho, sit down, I'm from the ATL and I am a connoisseur of spicy poultry! Anywhore, so fuck it, I cut into the chicken and hit a bloody vein and red starts to seep out. At this point it's just a horrible joke. I request him to bring me some buffalo sauce and to re-fry so I won't die of fucking salmonella. He gave me the same der derr derrpp face and said, "Oh, you wanted it cooked well done?" Well just shit in my mouth and call me an armadillo cuz I must fucking look like a crazy little tit if you think raw chicken in any country is rainbows and unicorns. Granted, the owner did come out later and apologized for her mentally challenged staff and offered us free wine and whatever we wanted on the menu. I know I sound like a pompous d-bag but I couldn't help feeling that in America that shiz wouldn't fly. Raw chicken and misread menus are just things that don't need to be explained.
(excuse my french in this excessively sour rant. I really do love Vietnam <3)
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| Can't find this in Atlanta... |
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